KYLE’S JOURNEY LOG # 3 – Scattered… an old friend comes and goes… (Part 1)
May 1, 2019
Hello old friend. By that I refer to my old enemy; laziness and allowing excuses of everyday life to dictate where I should go. Yet again, I fell victim to the trap of allowing to be pushed by life.
Lately, I’ve been feeling so many emotions. Burnt out being one but I have been finding my moments to take some time to myself. Though, it’s been pretty hard.
Life has been the same constant issues. Wake up, morning walk, shower, work, come home, walk again, learn and zone out to information to grow, meditate and self medicate and ponder why I still can’t find the right time to get things done.
Also during my time away from this project, I had a brief moment of joy and then pain from another previous and potential rebirth of another project. I’ll make a post semi related to that later, but long and short though, and old friend I cut ties with tried to re-enter into my life. The end result was being too guarded and say the same patterns again despite explaining with openness as to why I ended the friendship the first time.
So that was a bit of a damper on my spirits for having any motivation to work on anything. But that is all done and over with. I’m into hip-hop and a sub genre of that called NerdCore. So I made my own dis track to express some of my feelings.Never sent it to this person, didn’t plan to just made it to help express myself.
After that, I felt a bit better but still empty. I haven’t been quite certain what it is I want to do exactly and how I want to go about really making the changes I want.
So I am still deconstructing on what is it that I want? That previous project I had mentioned about, I had started it with that friend but ended the friendship but still kept that project going. That project was a Minecraft Server.
I kept it going and it was aid in being a crutch from me going out into the real world and facing my shit. But it was also a create portal of pouring my depression into creative work. It was both a good thing and a bad thing for me. I ended the project when I wasn’t working for a long time and was being kicked out to the real world. As a result, I had to get a job and start working on being a real adult.
Now I did that, but I didn’t want to re-open that project til I knew I could dedicate the time needed to be there all the time. I let my community down by being too depressing and not really managing the server well. Failed and undelivered promises. Just overall bad leadership.
But I still want to go back to it now, but this time focus with a better game plan to keep it alive and healthy but at the same time, I’m not too invested where I lose my objectives and responsibilities in the real world.